Page 44 - South Mississippi Living - April, 2019

KIDS con dent kids
story by Angie Fields, LCSW, Director of Clinical Services photo courtesy of Gulfport Behavioral Health System
Self-esteem is defined as a feeling of satisfaction in one’s own abilities. When we have good self-esteem, we feel confident enough to tackle problems or stay the course during times of adversity. As parents, we all want our children to feel good about themselves and be successful, but experts say that well-meaning parents are going about it the wrong way.
Let’s take praise, for instance. Investing in too much praising can backfire. Excessive praise received
for every single, normal, everyday thing, may teach our children that all of their actions are extra special and deserve praise for them to continue doing them. According to Jim Taylor, author of Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages they Need to Hear from You, “We’re lowering the bar for them” and “if you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, you’re saying she no longer needs to push herself.” He further states, “Confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying again — from practice.”
Another mistake we make is removing obstacles for our children. In an effort to make our kids experience success, we often resolve situations for them.When children are faced with a difficult situation in the future and don’t have practice
at problem-solving, they won’t
know what to do. This creates a feeling of failure, which can lead to overwhelming anxiety. With anything in life, we need practice to get better at it.
Lastly, we rescue our children
from consequences which leads to developing a sense of entitlement, the expectation that they deserve things regardless of effort to earn them. As
a result, they have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. This may lead to a problem with authority and feeling confused about why they keep having negative experiences.
It’s important to maintain a balance of rewards, expectations
and consequences. Offer appropriate praise when children challenge themselves, show courage, behave well in a difficult situation, or make good decisions. Be supportive without hovering; let them make their own choices, but require them
to follow-through to the end. Express unconditional love and acceptance by letting your children know you love them even when they fail or make bad decisions. Encourage their interests, but require them to finish what they start.
Help them create realistic, achievable goals for themselves and allow
them to struggle before stepping
in to assist. Don’t personalize their mistakes by blaming or shaming
them or compare them to others, but do make them take responsibility for their actions. Encourage their efforts and help them process what they’ve learned through an experience. Help them discover their abilities or talents and encourage them to try things their own way and to persevere through challenges. Most importantly, take time to show you are interested by listening and spending time with them doing something they are interested in.
44 SOUTH MISSISSIPPI Living • April 2019 FOR MORE REFLECTIONS OF THE GULF COAST >> www.smliving.net
Perfect
Balance
What’s So Risky About Promoting Children's High Self-Esteem?
Angie Fields, LCSW, Director of Clinical Services